Describe yourself in one sentence.
Pound for pound KO king of the world!
A slippery customer that you wouldn't want to meet in a back alley.
What do you think is your best quality?
Persistence! If you're beating against a wall and it's not falling down, then you're not beating hard enough!
My smarts. I don't mean book-learning smarts, I haven't got the patience for any of that boring crap. I mean the kind of smarts that allow you to outsmart an opponent in a fight. It's something I take pride in being good at.
If you were able to change any of your traits, what would it be?
I guess I wouldn't mind having some of old Whitaker's brains. I have a habit of making things harder on myself than I need to. Not that it's that important, in the end. I've yet to run into any obstacle that I couldn't force myself past with brute force alone... Well, the Great Statue aside. But I totally would have had him down for good if I got a few more minutes!
Uhhh, I'd like to be able to talk to people a little better.
Now describe your teammate(s) in one sentence each.
He's a sleazy, unlikable jackass who's lucky that he's got at least one friend in this world.
Well, you're a over-aggressive lunatic who's gonna get killed one day trying to prove to everyone the size of your-
Do you think you make friends easily?
No need to. The one friend I've got is plenty. Of course, with my overflowing charisma and rugged good looks, I don't think I'd have any trouble at all if I were to try!
Ha. Hahahaha, hehe, hooo, yeah. Funny joke.
Are you content with your life in general?
I live life on the road, travelling from place to place, and getting into brawls with the toughest customers I can find. It's perfect.
It ain't the life most would wish for, but if you were from where we are, you'd see that this is about as it's gonna get for us.
How were you educated?
In a prison cell in a dark place underground.
Same here. We go way back. It wasn't the kind of education that most folks would want. If either of us had had a choice, I don't think we'd have picked it either. However, it's served us pretty well. I can't argue with that.
What is your favorite hobby?
What career do you hope to pursue in the future?
What sort of religion do you belong to, if any?
I'm a proud member of the Church of the Fist. And I've spread the good word in whole bunch of different places, one broken nose at a time. Call me Pastor Patterson, the punching preacher!
In all seriousness, if you can get into all that mumbo-jumbo, good for you. But where we come from, any kind of belief in a God dies out pretty quickly.
How good is your sense of direction?
I know the direction that my fist needs to take to my opponent's face well enough.
Both of us are drifters. Neither of us have ever had a good sense of direction. Then again, you can't have a sense of direction unless you've got somewhere you're actually aiming for. I've never really had that.
As of now, what do you think is your greatest regret?
The fact that not everybody's recognised my incredible strength yet! I'm not too worried, though. It's only a matter of time.
...You ask too many questions.
Describe the strangest dream you’ve ever had.
I once dreamt that I was running up a big flight of stone stairs in some weird alien world called "Philadelphia," while this strange chorus of voices sang that I was trying hard and that I was "gonna fly now." I have no idea what that was all about.
That I was a normal, productive member of society, and that there was a beautiful, caring woman in my life.
What is something you do that others may consider odd?
Well, my diet for a start. Alright, first you gather up some rock moss, then you gotta squeeze the juices out and then mix that up with a little water and the pulp from two Figy berries. It's real good for the muscles. It's the breakfast of champions.
Yeah, the fact that we drift from place to place combined with the fact that we're not exactly desired clientele in most places after a brawl, you've got to be prepared to make do with whatever you can find. And some of the stuff, well, is an acquired taste. My personal favourite is stewed Ariados webbing.
How often have you seen your grandparents?
I've never met my grandparents.
Neither of us have even seen our parents, for that matter. I think it ought to stay that way, too.
What are some of your pet peeves?
When people call me a brainless thug. I'm a pugilist, for crying out loud! There's definitely a difference!
When people use fancy words in order to try and make themselves look smarter than they really are. Especially when they don't really know what those words mean.
In battle, would you be willing to take a hit for any of your teammates?
No problem. I'm more than tough enough to take punishment for two.
Only idiots get hit when they don't need to. I'd prefer to distract an opponent away from my more hard-headed buddy here, if possible. Even he has a limit, although he won't admit it.
Do you think any of your teammates would take a hit for you?
He wouldn't dare. Whitaker knows me better than anyone, and he knows that I pride myself on toughness. If he took a hit for me, that implies that I couldn't take it myself. That basically amounts to an insult.
I think you can already figure out my answer. He's thick-headed and a pain in the ass sometimes, but I'm lucky to have him around.
What physical weaknesses do you believe you have?
I'm pretty much the perfect athlete, so none. Well... I dunno, there's times I want to be a little quicker on my feet. Sometimes you run into guys like Whitaker, who prefer to hit and run, and it can be a pain in the ass to chase them down. I don't understand it. It's effective, sure, I see that... but where's the fun in it?
The reason why I favour that kind of strategy is because I don't have the same kind of endurance and hitting power that Patterson does, and there are times when I've wished that I did. I've spent my whole life trying to find ways around that - you have to when you have our kind of lifestyle. But at the same time, once you've gotten used to it, there's definitely a lot of fun in tormenting some poor sap who can't deal with your quickness. Their tears of frustration are like fine wine.
Do you consider yourself to be a risk-taker?
I love charging in headlong and staking it all on one shot, if that's what you mean. But when you're invincible like me, nothing's really a risk now, is it?
The sensible part of me says that real winners only fight battles that are already won. However, I've definitely got a less sensible side - it's probably the same side that runs Patterson's entire brain. That part of me really loves the buzz of getting into a situation with lousy odds and turning them on their head. But still, I don't like taking chances when my life is in serious danger. Risking a black eye or a couple of broken ribs isn't the same thing as visiting the pearly gates.
Have you ever killed or come close to killing anyone else?
Killed someone outright, nah. Come close, maybe. I dunno, I never really pay much attention to guys who I've beaten unconscious. You're better off asking Whit-
Next question, please.
What is your earliest memory?
Lining up for assessment, in front of big Uncle Arthur the Conkeldurr back in the Pit. That was when I was still an itty-bitty Tyrogue. I remember what he said as clear as day. "Excellent potential. This one might just be a world-beater." I was so proud!
I remember all the way back to when I first hatched. It's not a happy memory. That's all I really feel like saying about it.
Share a favorite moment from your childhood.
Winning my first fight!
The same - well, not quite. To be more precise it was seeing the look on old Uncle Arthur's face afterwards.
Can you cook?
Didn't I tell you about my supreme recipe from earlier? I'm a king of cuisine as well as the ring.
Ignore him. His hideous concoctions are technically healthy, sure, but nobody in their right mind would want to call them food. He would have starved to death long ago if I wasn't around.
What qualities would you look for in a potential mate?
Well, she's gotta be able to hold her own, for a start. Hell, if I could find a lady as tough as me, our offspring would take over the world!
I ain't picky. Seriously. Ladies, I'm single. Someone, anyone, please respond! I'm desperate here!
Do you think you work well under pressure?
There's no job too big for the mighty Patterson! Don't bother telling me how hard the job is, just tell me where to go.
Yeah, I think I handle it pretty well. I even sometimes enjoy it. But like I say, I definitely have limits. I can sometimes crack, although I'm usually fairly quick to snap out of it.
Do you prefer to interact with large groups of people or small?
I'd love to regale big crowds of people with tales of my many exploits! Too bad I can't seem to attract them for some reason. I'm guessing that's because of this antisocial toad here.
Big crowds of people tend to make me nervous. Besides, whenever we end up in a place where there's a lot of people, it's usually to start a fight instead of make friends.
What does it take to get you smiling?
Seeing some sucker who thinks he can take me on lying face down, lights out. That always does the trick.
Yeah. That answer works for me too.
When was the last time you cried?
Back when I was a kid in the Pit, I used to cry tons. That gets beat out of you pretty quick. I haven't cried at all since then. Well, except for... Next question, please.
When you aren’t out on Missions or other Guild assignments, how do you like to spend your day?
Man, I have no idea. Now that we're stuck here in Andallust, we can't really afford to start fights with people, so there goes our usual plan.
Yeah, we're gonna have to think of something else quickly. I'm getting itchy already.
Who do you think has been the most inspirational person in your life?
Whitaker! You people didn't see what he used to be like in the beginning. He definitely didn't look like he was gonna make it way back then. But now, he's sort of a badass. They should write a book about this guy.
I was about to say Patterson, before he just let out a bunch of embarrassing details about the bad old days. Ugh. I wouldn't want to read a book about me. But seriously, there were times when I felt like just curling up and dying, but he was still going strong. I don't think I could have made it through all of that without him.
What do you think you might be doing ten years from now?
I never really gave that much thought. I've always been the sort to live for the moment.
I dunno. Same as what I'm doing now, probably, if I'm still around. This guild business might be worth hanging around for, but it's not the first time I tried settling down. A peaceful life, it's well... just not meant for me.
If you had to choose who to marry right here and now, who would it be?
Hey, hey, hey. Just because we're two guys who travel around alone, doesn't mean that I'm INTO him or anything-
Are you mocking us? God damnit, this whole thing was all a big joke, wasn't it? You wanna fight, that it? Do you wanna go right now?
What is one motto that you think you live your life by?
I mean, seriously, don't get me wrong, I like the guy, even though nobody else does, but I don't like him in THAT way -
C'mere! Where do ya think you're running to? I've got a Poison Jab that has your name written-